Push

Intentional Gratitude

2010-11-19T22:32:00.002-05:00

I believe that the energy of gratitude fills the empty spaces between us and strengthens the connection linking individuals thus creating a deeper sense of community. That energy is magnified when we are present and intent in the expression. Even worse; insincere or empty gratitude weakens our human connections.

How many times a day do we say “thank you” without realizing it? During a busy day, saying thank you to people is second nature; like exhaling. I suspect that if you don’t remember saying it, it couldn’t have meant all that much at the time. We float through our days in an emotional fog expressing a shallow, unmemorable sense of gratitude that demeans any verbal example of the gratitude we actually might be feeling.

I spend my days working with and around all kinds of people with whom I have reciprocal work relationships. All day, every day, most of us regularly interact with the people in our lives in symbiotic ways in all aspects of our lives; work, family, personal relationships, and more. In our relationships with the people we know and with those we’re merely crossing paths with, we have opportunities to express gratitude for numerous reasons. But if there’s no intention and depth to the gratitude, it doesn’t have the energy needed to fill the space.

And, yes, I believe that even the smallest generosities deserve intentional gratitude. So tomorrow; maybe even tonight, while you’re out and about in your world, in your home, in your office; and you have the occasion to say thanks to someone take the time to look them in the eye. Give the moment your full attention. Even if you’re just thanking a cashier at your local grocery store; be present and let the energy of gratitude flow from you into the person you’re interacting with and outward into the environment.

Magnetism or Gravity

2010-11-01T19:54:00.000-04:00

Magnetism.

Magnetism is the force that cause objects to be either drawn to or repelled toward each other. We all know how the opposing poles of magnets attract each other. That’s where the phrase “opposites attract” comes from. But that’s rooted in the behavior of positively or negatively charged iron or steel; not in humans. Feeling magnetically drawn to someone means also feeling magnetically repulsed, right? So why is it so good to feel magnetism? The idea that opposites attract seems a bit out of whack as applied to human interpersonal relationship; not considering sexuality which in the whole opposites attract mentality would have to be considered in a completely different manner.

What about gravity?

Now that’s something to consider. Gravity is the phenomenon in which objects with mass attract one another. Gravitation causes dispersed objects to join together. This makes more sense in human relations than magnetism. After all, gravitational pulls work to create satellites; symbiotic relationships. That just sounds better to me. It’s not magnetism that is responsible for keeping the planets in orbit around the sun; it’s gravity. It’s not magnetism that generates the waves in the ocean; it’s the gravitational pull of the moon. The earth and the moon; they’ve been together a long time, yes? The sun and the planets; they’ve been hanging out together for a while. Surely commitment is a factor.

I’d rather feel a gravitational pull toward someone than feel magnetically drawn because of the semantics of the words and because, by definition, words create meaning in our language and culture.

If we are pulled in one way or another, is it more gravity than magnetism? Sure, opposing ideals and personalities can find balance, but I don’t really see that as magnetic connection. That kind of attraction is a precarious thing; to say the least. Magnetism seems temporary and fleeting to me while the observable gravitational attractions around seem to have a bit more staying power.

Aren’t we all just satellites of each other anyway? Even from the tiniest atoms spinning around a nucleus, to the planets around the sun the gravitational pull is more consistent.

Through Portals; Humbled

2010-09-17T10:50:00.000-04:00

Hovering midair and looking down on the world offers a beautiful perspective of geography and community. Rushing out over the Atlantic in the balmy Florida sky, the white foam of the crests of waves breaking dot the azure ocean and scatter the eye. Looking through a small portal, and under the wing, the coastline transforms slowly into a loosely tossed and rippled picnic blanket ocean floor visible in the shallows as we motor through the air. Massive freighter ships weighted by hundreds of containers each as big as a semi trailer seem from this height nothing more than flees on the hide of some great blue dog as they trudge along in pursuit of the next port. People in speed boats, sail boats and fishing boats meander about without a care in the world as we ascend through the cloud line, out of the muggy air, and into a comfortably cool cruising height.

The small window offers a glimpse of clouds from an angle that is other than earthbound. The tops of clouds look like thick morning fog lifting off the lake; or like snow-carpeted plains in the moments before golden sunshine breaks the blue dawn.

Descent back into the underbelly of heaven brings into the view through my portal shorelines vaguely familiar from viewing maps; harbors, capes, seaports and beaches all famously named. Moving overland like a giant seabird in search of a roost, the vision changes to neatly blocked and patterned expanses of earth that resemble a great green and brown patchwork blanket cut through with ribbons of roads and rivers.

To see communities from above is to look down on them as giants of long ago and to understand more fully than ever the fragility of our man-made world. Abandoned docks sinking into a river, parking lots nearly lost to the re-growth of grass and buildings once revered standing half-crumbled and turned to dust as the wilds take back what we so willfully captured and enslaved reveal without words the real power of nature.

Through portals, the world reveals herself as the true power and this small human is once again humbled.

Brandy?

2010-09-10T23:40:00.000-04:00

Mmmmm...brandy. Living in the luxurious and sultry Florida heat, it’s pretty easy to overlook brandy and cognac. I had a sip of some Gran Duque d’Alba today and I was immediately transported back to the times when I lived in more wintery climes; recalling the warming sensation that travels slowly down the throat and spreads luxuriously over the body the same way the Florida sunshine soaks in. So now, I'm thinking brandy might be the perfect rainy day beverage and official hurricane drink. Margaritas used to be my personal Hurricane Cocktail, but they’re not so good when the power goes out and there’s no ice. Brandy, on the other hand, is best without ice. And, there’s just something comforting about it; like a gentle hug. And, really, who doesn’t need a hug these days?

Tastes pretty good to me. Now........where's my snifter?

Radiated Personal Energy

2010-09-08T22:49:00.003-04:00

I like to drop myself into the cool pool after a sweaty soak in the steam room. It’s uniquely refreshing and relaxing at the same time. I float a little and cool off, I submerge my head just enough so that my ears are under water and my thoughts are my own; uninterrupted by the noises of the world. Tonight my thoughts wandered into considering the space between the cool water and my steam-heated body and how while I’m suspended in the water, the heat of my body emits outward creating a slight increase in water temperature hat outlines my body; like the glowing of a neon light. As I move through the water, I leave the encasement of radiated warmth and the sensation of coolness returns. If I hold very still, I can feel the heat slowly radiating; ever so slowly, and somehow, my body holds the heat. I feel like, given enough time, I could heat the entire pool.

These thoughts led me to ponder how personal energy exudes outward and affects the surrounding space. In my mind’s eye, it’s as if there’s this internal “steam room” energetic source radiating into the “pool” of my body and beyond. I imagine that similar to how personal body heat lingers on a chair for some time after we’ve moved on, the energy we give off, seeps into the space around us and even lingers after we’re gone.

If there’s any validity to these steam-room induced thoughts, then my obvious conclusion is that we have the power to affect the spaces we inhabit by way of the energy that seeps out of us. If I let my thoughts expand further, it seems that the radiated energy could be change immediate environs and maybe ripple out further. Perhaps there’s something to glean from these thoughts of mine. If more people understood the outward affects of their internal energy, there would likely be more sensitivity in the world. Personally, I hope my awareness of this will linger far into the future.

Motivation vs Inspiration

2010-09-03T15:54:00.002-04:00

It’s Friday. I’m thirsty. Happy hour at The Roasted Pepper is calling me. My gaggle of friends from the office likes to go there to get “Mike’d.” Mike’s the bartender. He doesn’t understand the word ‘No’ and likes to keep the glasses full. He probably had some bad experienced with empty glasses once, but doesn’t talk about it now.

So, out of boredom, I go. What would I be doing otherwise? Sitting around at home doing nothing. Is it lack of motivation or lack of inspiration? I can’t figure that out. Either way, something sedentary comes over me from time to time and I can’t pry myself out of the house.

This holiday weekend, loads of folks will be hovering around the bar-b-que. The supposed, “last” weekend of summer and a reason to celebrate. I’ve been invited to join some friends on the beach and I might. I have minimal interest plus I think it’s going to rain all weekend. I am not disinterested because of the beach-party hosts – by no means. I just don’t think I’ll be any fun – just not in the mood.

But, I feel the need to be DOING something. I am restless.

What would you die for?

2010-02-13T07:55:00.002-05:00

What is it that you would die for? Is there anything? Nelson Mandela’s speech after 27 years in prison included his profession that he would gladly die for principles such as equality and peace. Martin Luther King Jr. dies for his ideal of equality. Gandhi came close to dying during his hunger strikes. How many nameless masses have died for their ideals, or the ideals of the “whoever” is supporting their ideals?

What is it in these people that bottlenecks millions of ideals into one that’s worth standing up for; worth dying for?

I am moved to tears by the heartache of the downtrodden and the underdog. I am heartbroken by the struggle of those in war-torn countries, in zones demolished by natural disaster, by those suffering under political injustice. But would I die for those causes?

I know for damn sure I’d die for the safety of my loved ones.

Ideals are so intangible; so etheric.

Ultimately, my willingness to die for the ideals I value is contingent on whether or not I would be asked to and what situation is demanding it of me. It’s kind of like climbing the main mast in the middle of the storm. You’re damn fuckin’ right I’d do it; without question; without thinking twice. If it were necessary and I was there; I would be the one to ask. I’m the perfect “wing man.” Just ask me.

If someone said to me, “Anna, we need you to step up and make a point. We need you to take the fire so our cause can be successful. If you don’t do this the rest of us are fucked,” I’d be in for it without a second thought. But, I’m not so motivated that I’d stand up on my own. At least, I don’t think I am. I haven’t yet found a cause that stirs me so to action.

Does my lack of interest in being the one who steps up make me less of a person somehow? Does it lesson my integrity in any way? Because I’m the one who supports the “good fight” rather than “fighting the good fight,” am I a slacker or a bystander?

I don’t want to be a bystander in life, but I’m not sure how to make the shift.

Goodbye 2009

2010-01-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

Another year is rolling out while a new one rolls in. 2009 was exactly like every other year in that it had the same months and days; same seasons and holidays. But, it was different than the years before it, and it’ll be unique from all the years to come.

Ya’ know…I find it interesting that we mark the changes in years with such fanfare and ritual when in reality, the numerical assignments given to the years that pass are an invention of humanity. Marking the passing of time is a uniquely human need that aids us in our day-to-day social and cultural interactions while at the same time, enslaves us. But that’s beside the point.

2010 is nearly upon us and while 2009 was one helluva year with the financial struggles, real estate bubbles burst, sky-rocketing unemployment rates, and more, a few good things did happen. Like, the planet that rules communication and travel (among other things) finally got a visit from NASA. And Disney finally made one of its princess flicks with an African-American princess. As much as I don’t love Disney, this made me happy – what took them so long? I guess they kind of had to since Americans elected the first Black president. A plane crashed in the Hudson River in New York – not so good – but everyone survived - really good. Bill Clinton and Al Gore helped a couple journalists get out of North Korea. The Pittsburg Steelers won their sixth super bowl and the Pittsburg Penguins won the Stanley Cup.

Personally, 2009 was a pretty good year for me. Found a great apartment when foreclosure forced a move from the one I was in. The new one has covered parking and a Jacuzzi; both of which are sweet. Exercise and diet finally started paying off and I dropped three sizes. Bought a bikini to celebrate. Set the poi afire and spun with delight. Got the passport I’d never had and went to work collecting stamps. Went to Aruba first and then to Ireland. Decided to go back to school – again – this time to study something that really interests me; a BS in Organizational Psych. Found the place in me where forgiveness hides and started spreading it around and giving a little to myself too. Started asking myself what I really want and really listening to the answers. And I started looking at myself with less judgment and with more love.

With all that good stuff in 2009, it’s impossible not to imagine 2010 being even better. So I say good bye to the man-made, numerically identified season of 2009 and I open my ars in warm welcome to 2010. I’m looking forward to discovering and creating more good stuff.

Pretty

2009-07-23T20:41:00.001-04:00

Miriam-Webster defines pretty as…
a: pleasing by delicacy or grace
b: having conventionally accepted elements of beauty
c: appearing or sounding pleasant or nice but lacking strength, force, manliness, purpose, or intensity

Do you feel pretty? Do I?

I wouldn’t mind being pleasing in delicacy or grace, but being conventional? I don’t think so. And I certainly don’t want to sound or appear pleasant or nice, but lack strength or intensity. Of course, I am totally OK with lacking in “manliness” ‘cuz I ain’t no man.

Seriously, feeling pretty is the question. How does one come up with an answer?

Maria sings “I feel pretty, Oh so Pretty” because she feels loved by a “pretty wonderful boy.” I have to wonder if that’s all it takes to feel pretty. Wouldn’t it be so much better to feel pretty because you’re loved by you? I can’t imagine that it’s healthy to wait for influence from an outside source before she felt pretty.

We are all so critical of ourselves that we wait for assurances from others to confirm what we are only suspicious of. We’ve been so influenced by society and advertising that we can’t even dress ourselves without having to consult the latest fashion publication or a girlfriend.

Which shoes do you think go better with this outfit?
Does this make my but look big?

Come’on. We’ve all asked these questions of our friends, lovers, or dressing room attendants. From time to time, we all need assurances from others about our appearance. It’s only natural to look to our peers for confirmation that we conform. I just wonder it we’re not negating our own valid ideals in the process. And if we are, is that adding fuel to the fire of the media-influenced norms?

Does pretty come down to a set grouping of features or to a dress size? I think not. I can’t say what pretty is. I don’t think pretty is a valid word. As defined above, it denotes a delicate lacking of some sort that I can’t appreciate or embrace. It’s diminishing in some way that I can’t quite put my finger on.

Conventionally accepted elements of beauty? Really. Hmph. I reckon “conventionally” is the key term there. Convention never got noticed. Convention never started movements. Convention never changed lives or inspired greatness. So why is it so acceptable to accept the conventional ways? Shouldn’t we strive for unconventional? On some levels isn’t it better to be different? At least by my perceptions, being different expresses a uniqueness that is attractive on many levels. I think being different also insinuates a self-assuredness and confidence that most folks find either attractive or repulsive. It’s a fine line, but I find it attractive.

Be different
Be unique
Do not conform
Defy conventionalism

Back to the question; yes, I feel pretty. I feel unconventionally, intensely, delicately, purposefully, forcefully, and gracefully pretty. Do you?

Expectations

2009-03-25T21:31:00.001-04:00

My horoscope today suggested that in order to have a better day, instead of barking orders and expecting things to be done immediately, I should change my expectations. That got me to thinking. Perhaps changing expectations is a better way to get through every day; regardless of the horoscope and the planetary alignments. Does that mean lower one’s expectations? I think not. I think it mean aligning expectations with reality; regulating where we set the bar. If the bar is set too high, we will be consistently disappointed. However, by setting the bar at a challenging yet achievable level we can reach that point and then raise the bar again. Disillusionment is the result of unmet expectations, yes? Perhaps having no expectations is the answer altogether?

This leads me to wonder what my expectations are and how I might be able to adjust them so that I experience more satisfaction. I realize that having expectations of other people is ludicrous unless we are willing to share those expectations. It makes sense to let go of those. Telling someone what I expect is easier than holding it in and then experiencing frustrations when those expectations are not met. And, in the end, I cannot control others. Conversely, personal expectations can be regulated, adjusted, and controlled. So what do I expect of myself?

Hmph. That requires some thought.

I am sure I expect myself to be honest and to live with integrity. I expect to be work hard and to feel satisfaction from my work. I expect to be cherished my friends that I love and to be respected by the colleagues who’s opinions I value. I expect to earn these things and I expect to be disappointed if my actions prove unworthy. I expect to be able to have some fun and to build adventures from time to time. Finally, I expect to be loved although who loves me is unexpected.

Living With Purpose

2009-02-28T08:44:00.001-05:00

I am eternally intrigued by the sense of things happening for a purpose combined with the belief that before I started this life, I chose it. It’s a subject like a black whole; it sucks me right in.

And I think that instead of seeking to know that purpose, it may be wiser to live with that purpose like with live with the air around us.

I think there might be something in the works that I planned before I became who I am now, and I think trying to figure that out is insane in a way. On some level, somewhere within my consciousness, I am acutely aware of my intention. However, it remains completely un-specific and un-nameable. Elusive in the same way as knowing the face yet not quite able to place the name. Just can’t put my finger on it. And since it’s so elusive, I’m not going to continue to put forth effort in trying to figure it out. I’m going to do what a great poet once suggested, “let it be.”

I am, however, going to listen to my gut more. I am going to follow my intuition more and put more effort into doing those things that I have a longing to do. I heard a quote once that I can’t quite remember exactly. Essentially, it said that we don’t long to do anything that we are not meant to do. I’m going to live in that spirit.

I think this is the beginning of living with purpose.

Question #2

2009-02-08T20:14:00.001-05:00

2. What are you most passionate about?
Generic and knee jerk answer – living. I am most passionate about living. OK, but what does that mean? Everyone is happy o be a live and have passion about it, right? I’ve got a heart full of passion for breathing, man!

But, honestly, passion? Zeal? Enthusiasm? Fervor? Hmm…

I get excited about learning topics that interest me. Hmm…psychology is wicked interesting. I love figuring out how people’s brains work and how personalities develop, morph, evolve….etc. There’s also some excitement for me in helping people succeed at their goals.

In all honesty, though, I haven’t found myself truly excited in some time. However, in the last few months, since I’ve been back in school studying psychology, I’ve noticed that it does get me excited to learn and talk about it. But is it enough excitement to call passion? Am I truly passionate about psychology? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can get passionate about anything. Passion is an extreme emotion, motivating extreme action and behavior. Extremes are not really my thing. At least, I think considering an interest to be a passion relegates it to a place of extremes and therefore has the potential to make it seem unattainable and unachievable. Conversely, if I maintain an even and level consideration of something it stays within reach. Yea. Perception. Perceiving something as difficult makes it so. Perceiving something as extreme makes it so.

I have affection for learning and analyzing and delving into the depths of my experience. If that’s what passion is, then I’ll go with it.

Follow your passion?

And then again, what if I can’t pick just one thing to be passionate about?

First Question

2009-02-06T12:06:00.001-05:00

1.If you were absolutely guaranteed to succeed, what would you dare to do?

Guaranteed to succeed? First I have to understand my own definition of success. Is it monetary? I don’t think so. I feel like it’s something other than that. Of course, what is the nature of the success in the question? I am sure it is mine to define; success as I see it. So first I have to know what I define as success and then determine what would have to be done to achieve that success.

Success. OK. I have to admit that my greatest fear is of failing. Living in this fear, I have become accustomed to timidity and to letting things come to me as they will. I never learned to set a solid goal. This is very difficult; this determining what I’d do if I were guaranteed o succeed. Hmmm….Is a fear of failure, really a fear of success? Are they so closely tied together? I think my fear of failure has transmuted into a lack of motivation. Laziness is protecting me from trying to do something I’m afraid to fail it. Ah-ha!

Ok, so off the top of my head, I can think of dozens of things that I would do right away if I knew success would come easily. I’d learn guitar, spin fire poi, learn violin, take up scuba diving, as well as drag car racing. I’d test my skills at mountain climbing, golf, and gourmet cooking. I think I’d try painting to. I’d live a magnificent life of adventure.

I’m not afraid of anything on that list. The problem with most of it is lack of time. But then again, is that just an excuse because of my fear of failure?

I really want to spin fire this year.

I really want to learn guitar.

I really want to succeed at those two things.

Career-related success would come from elsewhere. I love to see people succeed and my biggest reward comes when, after training someone to do something, they become successful at it and they are thrilled with their own success. I would dare to train more and more people in the industry that I work in. I would travel to the various locations we have across the country and spend weeks training individuals not only in how to do the tasks related to their jobs, but also in the practice of customer satisfaction.

So, I really want to train and coach employees in my company.

Four things is a good start. None of them will be easy.

To seriously consider this on an even deeper level, I’m thinking that I’ve never really wanted anything that seems difficult. Rising to the challenge has never been something I set myself to do intentionally. When it’s happened incidentally, I’ve proven my endurance. I’m not one to blame parents or others for how I’ve turned out, but I de believe our growing experiences influence us deeply. Having said this, numerous times in my youth, I was told that this would be too hard, or that would take too long, or something-or-other would take too much time at college. I was not encouraged to challenge myself so I could reach a goal. I was encouraged to set lower, more easily attainable goals. In the end, I’ve become wayward and drifting. I rarely commit to any ideal or plan for the long term. If at first I don’t succeed, and do so *right now* then I’m distracted. Wow…epiphany.

How can I get past this block? I’m not sure. I honestly don’t know where to begin except in thinking and trying. But then, the same old thoughts come back into my head, “What if it’s hard? What if I fail? What if it turns out that I’m really no good at this or that or something-or-other?”

*Sigh*

I’m at a bit of a loss.

I’m going to take baby steps. I guess that all I can do. Maybe I can work out an assignment plan for myself and being that way. Arg….that sounds like too much work. I just want things to be easy.

I don’t suppose anything grand and delightful ever comes out of easy.

10 Questions

2009-02-05T22:29:00.001-05:00

I receive an email from Philosopher's Notes every few days and the most recent one listed the questions below and suggested answering them in a journal.

1.If you were absolutely guaranteed to succeed, what would you dare to do?
2.What are you most passionate about?
3.What are your greatest strengths?
4.How can you get paid doing what you love?
5.When (what circumstances? Around what people?) Do you feel most alive?
6.What were your 5 greatest accomplishments over the last 5 years?
7.Your 5 greatest accomplishments over the next 5 years? The next 25 years?
8.How can you best share your gifts with the world?
9.What would you do if you weren’t afraid?
10.What other questions should you be asking yourself?!?

I am going to start answering these as best I can. I'm sure in the ansewring, even more questions will come up.

http://philosophersnotes.com/titles/new

Happy Repeal Day!

2008-12-05T10:26:00.003-05:00

Actually, there are two anniversaries for the lifting of Prohibition. The first happened on April 7th 1933 – 75 years ago. That was the day that the prohibition of beer was lifted. Breweries and beer-drinkers around the country reveled in their hoppy nectar, and two cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer were delivered to President Roosevelt at the White House; loving received and signed for by two secret service agents. Bless them.

Today, though, is the Big One. Seventy-five years ago today, Utah ratified the 21st Amendment to the United States Constitution and the prohibition of alcoholic beverages was officially lifted. While not all states immediately opened a fresh bottle of Jack Daniels, this provided the necessary 3/4ths majority to pass.

Prohibition lasted a long, long suffering, and not surprisingly unlucky 13 years. It was truly unlucky for all the drinkers that had to sneak off to the local Speakeasy, risking arrest or jail-time, or even death from accidentally buying some tainted home-brew; but a lucky day indeed is December 5th.

Take a moment today to raise a glass of your favorite spirit and offer a little thank you to President Roosevelt for giving me a reason to have a job (I work for a spirits distributor) and, better yet, an excuse to have a party!

So, have a happy Repeal Day, and as President Roosevelt said as he signed the 21st Amendment, “I think this would be a good time for a beer.”

Words from Jack...

2008-11-21T15:55:00.001-05:00

“I want to work in revelations, not just spin silly tales for money. I want to fish as deep down as possible into my own subconscious in the belief that once that far down, everyone will understand because they are the same that far down.” — Jack Kerouac

Yea, that's it exactly. We are all the same at that level and we all understand each other. All of us; little fish swimming happily along in a sea of life that is thriving with amazing connectevity and simplicity. We are all part of the same revelation. We are the revelation.

Now and Then

2008-11-16T19:48:00.000-05:00

Now will soon be then
Then will eventually be now

The now that was is making the now that will be
Creating the now that is possible
Potential

This is now and always will be
In a moment this now will be then
And will never be now again

I’d do it all again even if I knew then what I know now

Then makes now
Now is then
Then is now

Don’t ask me what time it is
Ask me where we are now

In just a moment

2008-11-16T19:42:00.000-05:00

What is there in a moment
Broken such as this
This…that is broken and beyond repair

Building lifetimes on broken moments
Such as this

Shattered and incomplete
A foundation of fractures

What is there in a moment anyway
Except the promise of another?

Necessarily

2008-11-16T19:37:00.000-05:00

You do
I do
We may not; necessarily

Between distance
Time

Vast spaces filled with life

Yours
Mine
Not ours; necessarily

Thousands of breaths
Breathe not a word

To you
To me
Not necessarily between

To Fly

2008-10-17T14:39:00.001-04:00

A flurry of action lifts the wind
Alight the hollow bone
Blurred movements part the air
Quill and plume
Sound rushes past in a stream of green and blue
And the world grows ever smaller

Afloat in a mysterious ocean of stars
Feeling the way
In the swells of heavy wing
Slicing ripples in the air
Yield to the weightless of light and sound
And the soul grows ever more

Glistening stillness settles on the breeze
Afloat on a curve
Breaths between heartbeats
Drift

That's Hooking Up

2008-08-21T13:28:00.001-04:00

I’m curious about serial monogamy. I’ve heard the term frequently. I’ve heard it used derogatorily and complimentary. And, of course, as most of us do, I’m wondering if I fit into that category. Does serial monogamy equal exclusive dating?
“Serial monogamy is characterized by a series of long- or short-term, exclusive sexual relationships entered into consecutively over the lifespan. In common usage the two partners need not be married, but may be involved in a serious relationship. This behavior is a variant of monogamy, in which a given individual has only one sexual partner throughout life. This behavior is sometimes referred to as a form of, or replacement for, polygamy. This practice inherently excludes the practice of having multiple simultaneous sexual partners; however, people sometimes 'cheat' on their partners. This act goes against the 'code' of monogamy.”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serial_monogamy
Ok. So, dating has changed enormously over the years. In fact, there was a time when there really wasn’t any dating at all thanks to arranged marriages and such. There was also a time when it was acceptable for men to have had numerous sexual partners before marriage but not so for women who were expected to be virgins on their wedding night. Of course, having numerous sexual partners, or as we call it today “hooking up,” does not equal serial monogamy. I’d venture to guess that loads of folks, both male and female are “hooking up” these days and don’t consider any of those encounters individually monogamous.
I suppose serial monogamy is the result, at least in part, of the sexual revolution. Isn’t it really just dating with sex? Dating in the “old days” might have consisted of several different activities that may or may not have involved chaperons and such. In addition, one might have been dating more than one person at a time, or not. It really depends on the era and the culture.
I suppose we should define dating in today’s culture in order to really determine if serial monogamy is something other than “dating with sex.”
Dating in today’s modern world can be done in all sorts of ways; all with what seems like one uniform goal; marriage. Generally speaking – like I generally do – dating these days involves sex. Maybe I’m a victim of social brainwashing, but dating in my mind is getting to know a person to see if you can spend substantial amounts of time with them and possibly cohabitate on a permanent basis. Otherwise, there’s no reason to waste time getting to know a person, right? Who cares whether he’s politically like-minded? Why bother if she’s unemployed? If it’s just sex, then that’s all there is to it. It’s not dating at all; it’s just exercise. That’s hooking up.
On the other hand, if a person gets to know another and then decides to have sex and opts to not have sex with anyone else and on top of that decides to stop seeing other people, then is that serial monogamy? It’s a monogamous relationship, yes? It only becomes serial if there’s a break-up and then a quick jig into another monogamous relationship. So, it’s dating then. Dating with sex because that’s just how we do things these days. That’s just how we roll. And if both involved have chosen to be exclusive, then that’s monogamous dating.
It’s a little confusing for me. Can you tell? I’m self-contradictory all over the place. As is my nature, I question everything. As is human nature, I see everything through the perception of my own experiences.
I can’t define myself as a serial monogamist because the last thing I do is move from monogamous relationship to monogamous relationship. This definition does not fit me because I spend more time single than in relationship. But I will say that when I’ve found someone I like and we are having sex, I’m usually monogamous in that relationship. At least I am until the relationship ends. Does the time between relationships exclude me from the serial monogamist label?
I don’t think I can define anyone including myself as a serial monogamist because in today’s world, that’s just dating. In fact, I don’t like labels at all anyway so I prefer to abandon these definitions and questions of such. I will be what I will be and those who wish the label or define me may do so, but they’ll get no input from me.

We’re not meant to be alone.

2008-08-15T13:31:00.003-04:00

Or so my personal trainer told me during our last session. The conversation began when he asked if I’d been dating lately. I haven’t been talking much lately about guys and dates and such and he was just wondering.

It's true. I haven’t been talking about it much and the reason is that I haven’t been dating much. Scratch that, I haven't been dating at all. In fact, I’m disinterested. I canceled the Match.com membership a while ago. I had been on eHarmony as well, but that wasn’t working out. I even tried yahoo personals and okcupid. Both of them produced only the strangest of experiences. As for the Real Life dating scene; not so much. I haven’t met anyone that gives me that zing. I’ve met a lot of interesting fellas, but none of them have been exceptional and right now, that's what it would take.

I’m extremely happy with my status quo. I have a day-to-day schedule that doesn’t leave a lot of room for socializing and dating anyway. Long days and short nights and weekends that are filled with either hanging with my existing friends or lounging in my own 'downtime' ways don’t leave room for much of anything else. Taking time out to cultivate a blossoming relationship is just not in the cards. I’m happy with the way my life is playing out. And to be honest, I’m not willing to make any changes right now “for love.” I’m working hard on Me right now and exploring possibilities in my career and in my personal growth. I’m getting my shit straight, so to speak, and can’t be bothered to meet new people and work on relationships.

But when some one says to me, “We’re not meant to be alone” it makes me wonder a little if I’m not in a rut. I think the fact that I wonder at all about that proves that I’m not in a rut, but I wonder a little anyway; just for a second and then it’s gone.

Is this realization a coming of age? Is this an epiphany?

Yes.

I’ve passed the point of needing another person to be a partner with. I trust my own instincts and advice. I'm confident in my choices. I’m coming into my self more now than ever and as I recognize this I realize that there might be a correlation between my almost-40 coming of age and the near-40 divorce/infidelity rate. I’m not professional, but I know what I see. I see more and more women in my age group who are married and happy come to this point in their lives and start to stray from their marriage. They come to a personal realization that their lives have been a falsehood. They look at their pasts and see that they’ve not been as true to their own desires as that could have been and think, “Now is the time!” And……things change.

Like I said, I’m no professional; I just know what I see in friends and acquaintances.

I also think that maybe as I age, I am relieved from the constraints of social and cultural expectations that were impressed upon me as a young girl.

So, perhaps we’re not meant to be alone. There may be some truth in that. But perhaps we’re not meant to be partnered for our entire lives either? Or, and this makes even more sense to me, perhaps some of us aren’t meant to be partnered at all. Who’s to say what’s meant to be anyway?

Introducing...

2008-07-25T13:18:00.005-04:00

Yea, yea, yea, I’m not a goal-setter. We’ve established that. Well, at least we know I don’t perceive myself as a goal-setter because to me, that’s a person who’s aggressive, focused, and single-minded. That’s not me.

What I will own up to is being easily bored with the ‘same ole, same ole,’ motivated by change, and ever-seeking. I find I enjoy shaking things up and ‘bucking’ my own system. I thrive in chaos and adversity. That’s when I’m having the most fun and when I’m feeling the most ALIVE.

To figure this out, I’ve tapped into something from my past; that devil-may-care Me that lives inside. That part of me I was so familiar with in my youth. You know it. You had it too. Perhaps. Anyway, I’ve dug deep into the depths of my Self and found her again. Let me introduce you.

Hello. I’m Anna’s Devil-May-Care; you can call me DMC. No reference to the Rev. Run DMC is intended, but I’m flattered by the association. I’ve spent the last three or four year on a somewhat forced sabbatical and for the last six months or so I’ve been weaseling and worming my way back in. It’s been tough, because Anna’s become as stagnant as an old pond that’s lost its tributary.

So, here I am!! And let me just say what a delight it is to be back. I am taking it slowly, though. Don’t want to put too much pressure on the old girl. ;~) But guess what I’ve been up to!?!?!

I just got the girl to apply to go back to school. I’ve convinced her to step outside of her well-known little pond for a swim in exotic waters. Pending loan approvals and such, classes start the first week of September. I gotta tell ya;’ she’s getting excited, and little nervous. Both are excellent!

I’ve squelched the nay-sayer in her head too. That was really tough and it’s an on-going task, but one that I am up for.

And (get this, it’s really good) I’ve managed to put some really great ideas into her head. Ideas that are like the ones she used to have when I was around a helluva lot more. Ideas that get the blood flowing. Ideas that once inspired her to travel far away from home and not worry about a job or a place to live. Ideas that inspire her creativity, grace, and power.

Listen, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that it’s risky, irresponsible, and even dangerous at her age to be so capricious and whimsical. Well, this is DMC and I’m telling you that I don’t take extreme risks. I’ve been at this her whole life and I’ve always managed to navigate her through challenging waters to safety without broken bones or defeated spirit. With me, this girl’s got the potential to rule the world! Without me, she’s just another lump of a person just sitting around waiting for life to happen and then end.

So, that’s that then I guess. DMC’s had her say and I couldn’t agree more.

Future

2008-07-19T09:27:00.001-04:00

I have more questions now than I think at any other time in my life. Now that there’s not nearly as much future, I am intensely more concerned with it. Hmph. Seems that since there’s getting to be less and less of it, I’m looking at it more as a precious commodity and less as a bottomless font.

I am not only referring to my future, but also to the future of community, environment…etc. Since I have no children, I reckon this is my natural way of extending my existence into a future that doesn’t have me in it; immortality.

Isn’t that what we all seek anyway?

I wonder if that’s not the primary motivation for just about everything we do from not only having children, but also including practices like going to the gym, saving money, building/buying a home… If we didn’t give a damn about the future and our immortal existence in it, then it’d be easy to just be in the moment, yes?

Future is certainly an infinite concept, but there’s no way we can ever know of anything beyond our own death. We can only look at the past and presume that because it had a future – the now – that our present will also have a future. And when we also recognize that our personal Now has less and less Future to it, we may start living with more concern for what that Future contains. Unfortunately, there’s just no way of knowing.

So, more and more questions develop within my head and I become more and more intent on leaving behind me when I’m gone something that matters to me now. Weird.

Demon of Mercy

2008-06-29T10:18:00.001-04:00

Sweet demon of mercy, come to me now
Wrap me in the cloak of your darkness

Take my breath into your lips so that I need not speak
Take my sight into your eyes so that I need not see
Grant me oblivion

Hold me steadfast in the depth of your eyes
Submerse me in murky pools of your soul
Bring mercy to me

Pull my heart into your vacuum so that it need not bleed
Take the voices from my ears so that I need not hear
Convey to me your bliss

I yearn no longer for the sensations of this cruel world
I cannot bear the screams of the hurt and hungry
The sights of this world are like acid to my vision
My tears a useless waste
My hands like fruitless gardens
My words futile

Dark demon of mercy, smother me
Take me beyond
Elevate me to unconsciousness
Endow me with ignorance

Lash my hands
Snatch my tongue
Blind my eyes
To the pain around me so that I may exist detached from all
I care not to see the destruction of such beauty
I care not to know

Cruel demon of mercy with your malicious gifts
Carry me along
As you carry so many others

Spiteful and horrid, wicked demon of mercy
Evade me no longer
Bless me with a place within your ignorant and unconscious masses

I beg you
Include me in your blissful obliviousness
Or exclude the rest

I think I found it...

2008-06-16T16:20:00.001-04:00

There has to be more…

So, I’m still not sure what the point is, but I’m coming to a place where I’m thinking there has to be more than just ‘this.’ There’s gotta be more to it, right?

(Perhaps this is normal psychological development for some on in my age group.)

I don’t think I really need to know the point. I’m ok with not knowing. How would it make any difference if I did have some grand enlightenment? Would that change the way I’m living my life? I certainly have no clue. I’m just sure that I don’t know the point and I can reconcile myself to that.

Boredom? Yes, I’m sure of it. I’m bored with the same ole weekends and the same ole thoughts and the same ole activities.

So…..

This week, I’m going to start researching an idea I had. It relates to a suggestion from a dear and trusted friend about my dream of running a vineyard one day and having it also be a place for kids to learn. I took her suggestions and combined them with the resources that I have here and come up with an idea to find or start a community garden. (Grapes just won’t do well in Sunny South Florida unless I want to make desert win and I’m not sure about that anyway.) That’s really the foundation of the whole project; teaching kids to make things grow.

So, that’s my mission for now…..find or start a community garden; get involved with one that’s already existing, or figure out how to get one started. That’s my “something more” for now. That’s what is more than just the ‘this’ that I’ve been living in for a while.

Without sounding like my own personal nay-sayer, I hope I can maintain the momentum and motivation once I start finding out all that’s involved.

39 Years & 8 Months

2008-06-13T11:19:00.002-04:00

It’s been 39 years & 8 months and still going strong. Where does the time go; really? I can’t help but wonder what the next 39 years hold for me. I certainly feel as though I am at a pivotal point right now. My awareness of the laws of attraction seems to be making every decision so much more intense; sharp even.

And I wonder; am I young or old? Am I too old for this and too young for that? I can’t join AARP – or at least I don’t think I can. I haven’t been interested so don’t really know. I do know that I don’t get the senior’s discount at the theater; I’m too young. Of course, for the most part, I can still do anything I want regardless of my age.

What’s that they say? “You’re only as young as you feel.”

I certainly don’t want to put any limitations on myself, but I gotta wonder if there might be circumstances in which the ‘too young’ and ‘too old’ factors might be valid. Of course, there will be times when the body really isn’t capable. That’s to be expected, yes? What I’m really considering are social expectations and such.

Let’s take fashion for example. I’ve heard folks say, “That outfit’s too young for her” or, “She’s way too old to be wearing that.” I might have even said it from time to time. These days, though, now that I’m getting to an age where it might be inappropriate to wear certain things, that sentiment is making me wonder. I suppose there’s some validity to it, but how much of it is rooted in jealousy and resentment?

And then there’s the statement we’ve all heard, “I’m too old to be acting like that.” Or, “he’s way too old to do that.” Again, I can see some validity to the sentiment, but I wonder about it as well.

I guess I am just wondering where to draw the line; if at all.

With age comes experience and with experience comes wisdom and with wisdom comes the maturity to make intelligent choices and to act responsibly and insightfully. Growth... It crosses my mind that wisdom is only gained in growth; not necessarily age.

So the ultimate question I ask myself is; will I allow wisdom or society to dictate my choices?

Wisdom tells me to be respectful of others and not to judge. Wisdom promises a certain level of understanding, intelligence and perhaps even empathy. Wisdom, to me, is the Grandmother of Peace. Wisdom balances. Wisdom tells me that even though I may not agree with some one else’s perceptions and beliefs, I must be respectful and do the best I can to allow that person their own way of being. But, wisdom also tells me to honor myself.

Society usually tells me to be one way or another based on the ‘norms’ of the day. Society’s message changes from week to week, day to day, hour to hour; like the blowing wind. I think one constant with society; other than change, is that it’s based on the ideals of what a few propagate onto the susceptible masses.

As I grow older in both body and mind, I’m finding more to question about myself. I’m looking inward more than outward. I’m spending less time thinking about what others are doing or thinking and more time enjoying my life. I’m less concerned with the societal norms and more interested in satisfying my own desires. I’m feeling younger than my age, and healthier than ever. I’m feeling more at home in my skin now than when I was in the skin of a young woman. Yet, I still feel young.

39 years & 8 months is only a tiny drop in the bucket in the bigger scheme of things. I may be getting older and growing into something called wisdom, but in reality, I am entirely too young. I must admit that’s thrilling to say and I’m looking forward to the next 39 years whether dictated by wisdom or society.

Is anything possible? Part 2

2008-06-11T10:35:00.002-04:00

Possibilities…

I’ve never been any good at setting goals. I’ve always just kind of taken life as it comes to me. Opportunities present themselves, I mull it over for a little while, usually talk it through with a friend or some one who’s opinion I value, and then I’m carried forward. This has not really changed in all my life.

Take my decision to go back to school, for example. It was really a coincidence of sorts; although I don’t really believe in coincidences. I’d heard about this school on the radio where working adults could go and earn their degree and it wouldn’t interfere with work and such. I knew that I didn’t want to stay in the position I was in forever and I saw that as a chance to move up the corporate ladder. I made decisions at that time that I still questions. I have no regrets; mind you. But I s do still think back and wonder if I couldn’t have done things a little differently. I took out student loans in HUGE dollar amounts. I anticipate paying them back for the rest of my life. That’s a weight I’d rather not be carrying.

But overall, the decision to go back to college was a good one. I earned my degree and that has brought me better employment and more money. Although that money is spent paying back the student loans, I’m still proud of my accomplishment.

Anyway, during that decision making process, I didn’t think of it as setting a goal at all. In fact, I rather felt like I was just doing something on a whim and went into it with a less than serious state of mind. I was shrugging about all the way. “Heh….whatever” was my attitude. I was not focused. I was not serious. I was just skating along the ice of life; not a care in the world about the future or whether the ice would be thick enough to hold my weight. . I think I mostly felt like it was something that I ‘should’ be doing. For the most part, and certainly in retrospect, I felt like I was doing what was expected of me.

So, for me goal-setting is unfamiliar. At least it seems that way. When I chose to head back to school, everything just fell into place and it was EASY. I really didn’t have to put much effort into it, so it doesn’t seem like it was ever a goal I set. It just happened, and I was there. Once again, I was along for the ride like a leaf in the stream. And I gotta tell ya’ my whole life has been that way.

So is this the Law of Attraction? Is it that simple? I just pick something….make a few decisions in relationship to it……and then it just starts falling into place without a lot of thought or focus on my part. Could it really be that freakin easy? But I don’t think I know how to set a goal. I think the universe will put opportunities in my path and lately, I’m not seeing all that many that relate at all to anything that I consciously think I want to do. Or maybe I’m just so shackled in fear of change that I don’t see these opportunities? Or is it perhaps a case of seeing them, but letting fear keep me from once again becoming the leaf in the stream and following the river?

And these days, I’m considering going back to school. Ug. The thought of incurring more student loan debt is at the top of the list of reasons not to. I also wonder if I'm not just too old to start another "new project." But, I have a dream to one day work in a vineyard and run a summer camp for “wayward” kids. I don’t really know a lot about growing grapes or working with struggling kids. But I just love this idea of bringing kids in to teach them about nurturing life from the dirt, making something of value from so little. I grew up in a farming community and this knowledge is solidified in the foundation of all that is me. It’s as much a part of my being as my skin or my breath. And, I think it saved me from detriment more than once.

The steps to achieving this dream are intimidating to say the least. It’s simply so overwhelming that I have a hard time conceptualizing; never-mind getting to the stepping-in place; that place of beginning to follow the dream. It’s damn scary, in fact. Again, I wonder if I'm not too old for all this....

I also wonder why can’t I just make the best of the life I’m in now? It's not all that bad, really. Why must I always be seeking something new? Can’t I just be content to be “here” and to be present in the “now?” What am I running away from when I cook up these schemes and have these dreams? Do I fear satisfaction? Do I thrive in ever-seeking something different? Am I trapped in a ‘Grass is Always Greener’ state of mind?

I don’t know. Seems I don’t have any answers; only questions. On that note; some one told me once that if I don’t know what I want to manifest, then I should just ask questions and the answers will manifest. If that’s the case, there will be a lot of answers coming my way soon.

Is anything possible?

2008-06-10T08:50:00.000-04:00

Is anything possible?

The Law of Attraction…..hmmm.

OK, for sanity’s sake, I’ll just say that yes; anything is possible. Then what? What’s the next step?

Oh. My. God. If it’s all been about this law of attraction my whole life, then I attracted all of “this,” right? This over-flowing cornucopia of experience, this winding path of a life has all been built by me. All that has been rotten and unfortunate in my life as well as all that was blessed and good; I attracted all of it. And looking forward, all that will be I am currently attracting into my life. I am manifesting the ‘everything.’ What a mind-blowing concept. Let me just take an extra moment to think about it…….

Yup.

Totally mind-blowing.

OK. OK. OK. *Deep breath* So, I can accept this. I accept that I am the builder of my life. In so doing, I have to embrace responsibility for everything that’s brought me here. I did that; no one else. My choices and actions carried me to this point in my life. Knowing this is a huge responsibility for my future. Knowing that everything I do now is building the future is mildly daunting, almost so much so that I fear making a choice. Of course, that in itself is a choice, no?

What about the day-to-day actions like getting up with the alarm clock and getting ready for work? What about just going to work? The devil’s in the details. Every tiny thing I do is rolling me forward toward my ultimate manifestation.

Now it dawns on me that I reckon I should pick a goal. I was never one to make a conscious choice about what I want to do with my life or where I see myself in the next year. I’ve always hated that question in interviews and on dates. I’ve been the leaf in the stream just floating along as the stream sees fit. Grasping this concept insinuates that I am not the leaf; I am the stream. Wow.

What are these possibilities that encompass the world of “anything’s possible?” Should I make a list? Perhaps a lit of options would be a good idea. I’ll get right on that.

In the meantime, everything I’m doing – even writing this down and sharing it – is building something; is pushing me forward; is opening doors and waltzing me through. Wow. I am still mind-blown. The possibilities are endless. There are an infinite number of manifestations. Let me soak in this for a moment. These concepts settle in slowly.

What's the point?

2008-06-05T08:09:00.001-04:00

Does any body really know the point? Really? Is there a point? Is this life pointless and meaningless?

I’ve reached the point where I really don’t get it.

Is that it, then, not getting it?

Maybe I’m just going through something right now. Maybe I’ve reached an impasse and this is my decision making process. Does everyone reach this point at some time or another? Maybe I’m just really bored and need to make up my own point. I really don’t have a clue and feel the stagnation of indecision seeping into me.

If it’s all pointless, then there’s no point in doing anything, right? Or is that the point? Perhaps there is no point and therefore I can do anything. Thinking about this makes my eyes cross. How do I determine the point? Or – maybe that’s it; I make up the point. There’s no point unless I make the point. So…..then I come back to the same query; what’s the point? What do I want the point to be?

Let’s say I make up my own point. Does that legitimately give my life a meaning? Or is that just me casting illusions about so that I don’t feel so pointless. How can I tell the difference between a point I’ve conjured and the real point; if there is one? Does it matter? Why? Why not?

I feel I am on the verge of something. Like the slightest twinkling lights in the distance; I think, maybe....just maybe...... I might be able to...... it’s possible that I see something. I don’t know what I see……but I know it’s there. So close, it seems I need only take a few more steps and it will be in my grasp, but a few more steps and it's still not quite close enough. It’s a sense of knowing something without knowing I know. Perhaps if I can get the point, then I’ll know that I know. If I can just grasp the point; comprehend it and encompass it…..maybe.

Is this insanity?

Is this just a personal creation so I can avoid feeling? Am I avoiding living by wondering about the point? Is this question just a crutch to keep me from feeling; to keep the walls high; to stay frozen? Is this what it boils down to? Am I just making this shit up so I don’t have to feel lonely? I don't feel lonely, but asking myself these questions makes me feel alone.

I feel a vast emptiness but it is not painful or dark. Openness is perhaps a better way to describe it. Yet, at the same time, I feel disconnected. I feel present and here, but not connected. I feel completely unaware of everything I’m not aware of. I care, but I don’t care. I feel like air sometimes; like I’m everywhere and no where. It’s as if I’m touching everything but feeling nothing. I don’t imagine that air feels anything different between blowing over mountains or over water. Or does it? Is that why the air can be different temperatures? Yea, but does it really feel anything? Am I like the air; able to be only slightly and temporarily affected by that which touches me?

I still come back to the point and lack of point. If I assume there is no point, can I embrace the pointlessness of it all and still be? Must I have a point? Instinctually, I think there needs to be a point, but it evades my intelligence. I can’t see the point. I can’t feel the point. We’re born, we live, we die. That’s all I see at the moment. I’m sure there was a time in my younger years when I think I might have had my own point, but I seem to have lost that knowledge. I mean; I must’ve known or sensed some kind of point or I wouldn’t be here now. Right?

I wonder and wonder…. And wander. I eek out this existence that I’ve found myself in and question the point of it all.

Childless and Happy

2008-05-20T16:42:00.001-04:00

As a near-forty-year-old woman, I don’t plan on making any babies. Ever. In fact, I never planned on it and thanks to certain medical circumstances encountered in my early twenties; I physically can’t have a baby. I have no problems about it either. I’m comfortable not having a child of my own. I have plenty of nieces and nephews and friends have children too. If I need a ‘mother’ fix, I just dial them in and I’m sated for a while. However, I’ve never really had the urge to mother. I don't understand children. I tihnk they're neat and fun, but they confuse me. I think there might have been a time shortly after it was certain that I couldn’t have children that I might have had a little twinge or two, but all in all, I have no lingering longings. I can't imagine having a child.

Coming from a woman who is nearing menopause anyway, that might not seem like much of an issue. But I have a friend in her mid-twenties who is certain she never wants children. Her reasons are her own and I don’t ask. It’s acceptable to me that she has made this decision regardless of her reasons. She is a single woman looking for a long-term relationship and she is registered on a couple on-line dating sites. On the sites, she has been honest about her family plans; or lack thereof. On one of those sites, she received an unsolicited message from a man who berated her for not wanting children. He told her it was her “God-given right” and that he just couldn’t believe that a woman would not want children because “that’s what they’re made for.” He even asked her, "How could you be childless and still be a happy woman?"

When she told me this, I wasn’t surprised as I’ve been through it as well. The conversation between us about her response to him and how I’ve responded to the same berating in the past was nearly exactly the same.

First of all, a ‘right’ by definition is something one is entitled to, not obligated to. I have a lot of so-called God-given rights and I opt out of many of them. That’s what they call free will, right? So if god gave me the right, and He gave me free will, then I have the right to decline, yes? I don’t even believe in a God so that part is completely irrelevant to me. But, there are those that do and I feel this point is valid even for them. There are children born all over the world to mothers who don’t want them. Would that be the right way to bring a child into the world; in an atmosphere of hatred and resentment? Is that the reason women are on this planet; to birth babies? Is that the sole purpose of a woman? Perhaps that’s what God intended when he created woman….? (Again, I don’t really believe in this but for those that do, it’s a valid question.) Perhaps it is God’s intention that women be breeders for the human race and nothing else. Just because a woman has the ‘right’ to procreate, doesn’t mean she has to.

Secondly, what gives any man the right (entitlement) to declare what any woman can or can’t do with her body? Please. Don’t get me started on that one. When a man can carry a child in his womb and nurse it with the nutrients of his own body then he can speak to what can or can’t be done with that womb. Until then, back off buddy. Even then, he would only have right to control what happens in HIS womb. For some, the God-given aspect comes back into play here. There are some folks that believe conception marks the beginning of life. I still think this point is valid. If a woman believes that life begins at conception, she still has more rights (entitlements) over that life than any man. Think about it. She ultimately controls everything that goes into her body from conception to birth so the child she eventually brings into the world is completely and utterly ‘hers’ until the time when it becomes separate from the body of the mother and others can have physical influence.

Third, don’t make assumptions. Because the circumstances that prevent me from having a child were not of my own choice, why assume that because I CAN’T and DON’T have a child I don’t WANT one? When some one tells me that it’s my God-given right to have a child and that they just can’t believe I don’t have one, I like to retort that I am womb-less and watch the jaw drop. I’m not bitter, but if God gave me the right, then he also took it way when he put that cancer in there, right? Again, I personally don’t really believe it has anything to do with God, but the point is valid for those that do.

I subscribe to the belief that everything happens for a reason; no coincidences. I have been able to have some great adventures and to grow as a person on so many levels that I think I would have missed if I had children. Sure, there may have been other experiences had I had children, but this is the life I am living and it doesn’t include children. I have no plans of it ever including children. I have nothing against children, of course. I think they’re amazing and full of promise. I just don’t want any of my own. I love kids! I celebrate mothers! Mothers have a huge responsibility to a child and I admire the strength, commitment, and courage it takes to be a ‘good’ mother. I hear of the struggle from my friends that are mothers and I honestly admire the bravery it takes to go through it. I do not want to belittle that in any way. It’s just not my cup of tea and it gets tiresome defending my choice to folks who have some preconceived notion about the purpose of a woman, or worse; a preconceived notion about me.

Peace to the Mothers who read this. It might seem unappreciative of your struggles and efforts. Please know that you are blessed and should be celebrated as heroes. I had a mother, ya know? Even though I don't want to be one, I admire them nonetheless.

Months and Months Gone By

2008-04-07T17:24:00.000-04:00

The flower of your smile has not blossomed in my garden for months and months
It’s been a long, cold winter.

The chestnut diamonds in your eyes have not sparkled in my sky for months and months
It’s been a cold, dark night.

Yet, the winters and the nights eventually end
The garden blooms and the stars shine once again.

The sunshine of you presence has not warmed the air of my skin in months and months
It’s been a dark, cloudy day.

The soft water of your touch has not flowed across the cracked earth of my soul in months and months
It’s been a dusty, hot drought.

Yet, the air warms and the waters flow
My skin warms and my soul softens.

Let the rains come and the sun shine.
Let the flowers bloom and the stars flicker.
Let the earth of my soul soften
Let the air of my skin warm

No credit to you
Dark sun
Dry rain
Withered blossoms
Voided stars

For months and months gone by
And I
For months and months gone by
Am found
For months and months gone by
Am free

12/28/2006

Look Your Age?

2008-04-07T17:11:00.000-04:00

In conversation with an old friend who is the same age as I and single, we decided that we have to be among the youngest nearly 40 year olds that we know.

I went to the beach last night with a friend and then we strolled over to the Bahia Cabana for rum runners and jalapeño poppers. There was a guy across the bar that just had to buy us a round of drinks. Then he felt that enabled him to yell jokes across the bar at us in drunken, tongue-tied, verse that neither of us could understand. We just smiled and thanked him for the drinks. Then the bartender comes over and says, “He’d like to buy you,” pointing at me, “another cheep beer.” I’m not a material woman, but that’s really no way to win a girl over, ya know? We were getting ready to leave anyway, so I politely declined.

He could have been around my age, but it seemed his life had made him appear substantially older. I’ll never know because I’m not all that interested in knowing. But, that’s the thing I guess; the life one lives showing in their face. I just suppose some folks carry it better than others. On the various web-dating sites I’ve been on, most of the men my age look at least 10 years older than me and that certainly doesn’t instill an idea that he’d ever be able to keep up with me. Of course, don’t judge a book by it’s cover and all that. I know. I know. I don’t normally. But, I have to admit that I’m a visual person. I read a lot about a person in their appearance and demeanor. I’m rarely wrong.

So in the end, my friend and I surmised that it’s just the way it goes. Maybe it’s in the genes. Who really knows? Neither of us looks our age right now; we could both pass for late 20’s to mid 30’s. Perhaps that’s catch up to us one day, but for now that’s just the way it is.

How do I love thee....

2008-03-25T09:34:00.000-04:00

Good question, huh? It got me to thinking about how we love different people in different ways and how love has so many facets and expressions.

Familial Love
Friendship Love
Inanimate Love
Romantic Love
Physical Love

So many ways to love.

Of course, I love my family and my friends. My love for them runs deep and steady. It’s an honest and simply love that is forgiving, caring, trusting, and powerfully loyal.

I’ve loved numerous inanimate objects; that antique white, chrome-covered, ’68 VW Beetle that was the first car I bought on my own; the music of Spearhead that sets my soul on fire; the best plate of tuna tataki that I ever had. I’ve loved those inanimate ‘things’ with gusto.

Of all the lovers I’ve had, in retrospect, I have loved them all. Perhaps my love for them has been the truest and most honest expression of living in the moment than I can ever experience. Loving them more deeply and completely in the moments we had together than I ever loved. But, then again, loving again just as completely with a new lover. Can I separate Physical Love from Romantic Love? I suppose that question is at the root of my thoughts. Can anyone? I know we say we can. I’ve said I can. I don’t deny the physical attraction and desire and I have succumbed to those desires. But I wonder if those experiences aren’t just alternate and combined expressions of a Romantic and Physical Love. I supposed I’m trying to figure out if moments of Physical Love can have a facet of the Romantic Love as well. Perhaps those moments are really the deepest experiences of living in the moment one can feel? Is it possible that what some think is a separate experience is really something so powerfully ‘present’ that it’s nearly incomprehensible to the mind? So much so that we have to separate the two in order to define them and to categorize love?

I don’t think I have an answer, but the question certainly raises a lot of thoughts.

Just an observation….

2008-03-12T15:01:00.001-04:00

I was just thinking about life in general and wondering if other people think and feel like me. I’m at this point in my life where I want to be doing something meaningful, but to be honest; I don’t want to put that much effort into it. On the other hand, it doesn’t seem very meaningful if I don’t put a lot of effort into it.

Hmmm…..

Vicarious Living

2008-02-19T13:13:00.000-05:00

I spent the weekend with a group of friends; The Married Folks, at the South Florida Renaissance festival in Deerfield Beach, FL. I just love those festivals; everything about them. Our offers some great shows like The Mudd Show, The Washer Women, and too many more to list. I’m never disappointed in the entertainment nor in the general good time that everyone has.

Of course, there are wenches and men in armor and everyone seems to put on a little extra charm so that makes it even more fun.

My girl friends and I just walk around drooling at the handsome men. They’re so easy to look at in that rugged way and when they talk they’re so courtly and gentlemanly that it’s hard to resist a swoon.

As we’re avoiding making complete fools of ourselves, it comes to us that I’m the only single girl in the group so even if one of them happens upon a fella that is superbly charming, I am the only one that could feasibly take advantage of his availability. LOL!! Ha ha!! So, there you have it. I’ve found the best reason yet – other than the fact that they’re loads of fun and they’re my dear friends – to hang out with The Married Folks; more eyes to scope out the handsome gents. And, if it becomes necessary, we can gang up on one of them. Just kiddin’. Really, it’s good to know that even though they’re married, they’re not blind and numb.

To top it off, I have now discovered that I have an obligation to them to live my single life with the most fun and excitement that I can muster. I mean; I wouldn’t want to let them down. They are living vicariously through me

Form Follows Perfection; More Thoughts

2008-02-11T13:42:00.000-05:00

It came to me in the car this morning as I was driving to work. Perfection happens. Not Shit. Sure, when the shit’s happening it’s not pretty, but that’s the trick isn’t it; determining the perfection of the shit that’s happening? It’s absolutely perfect.

I though about the car accident I was in a few months ago and how that really wasn’t something I’d hoped would happen. Of course not! But, all in all, coming through that experience was and is perfect. I was not injured. My car has been repaired. The guy that hit me has been fairly punished. It’s all perfect. Everything that happened at the time of the accident was perfect as well. I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect situation. Yes, it was scary and nerve-wracking. But I made it through. I was blessed with kindness from all directions and it was perfect. Without the accident, I would not have been given the opportunity to see and receive such kindnesses nor would those that bestowed their kindness upon me have had the opportunity to do so.

Now, the thing that I’m thinking is that if in moments like that I can recognize the perfection, then I’ll come through them having learned a powerful lesson and perhaps even move on to the next stepping stone in my life. Rather than seeing their perfection in hindsight, if I can see the perfection in the moment….well….that’s the thing about being present, right?

Perhaps by recognizing the perfection in every moment, I am embracing the present on a deeper level. The perfection in the moment that I step on gum in the parking lot and have to stop to scrape it off could turn into the moment that I run into my boss strolling through the lot. He might be thinking about some exciting new project and when he sees me, decide I’m the perfect person for it. If I’m not present enough to be thankful for the gum on my shoe, I might not even notice him. But, then that’d be perfect too, right?

There is perfection in every action and reaction, I think. And I suppose that realizing that; embracing that will drive deeper the sense of being in the moment. Do in the form, in the moment, there is perfection and in so knowing, there is the moment.

Perfection

2008-02-08T10:42:00.000-05:00

I carry around a few extra pounds. My vocabulary ain’t what it might be if I put more effort into it. My credit score is barely fair. I have a small carry-on size piece of emotional baggage that I have yet to tire of carrying. My skin carries the scars of a tom-boy youth, a classic adolescence and years in the sun. I’m no good at math. I’ve never claimed to be a genius, the perfect citizen, nor a super-model.

But I believe in perfection; not the perfection that out culture and society seem to propagate, but a different sort of perfection. I believe in the perfection of perceived imperfections; the serendipity of accidents and the happenstance of the non-coincidence. I believe that flaws enhance beauty and that character is only built with challenges, diversity and struggle. I believe that changing lanes on the highway now can change the direction of the future.

All this gives me cause to pay close attention to my surroundings; to be open to messages and signals. You might call me a sign-reader on the road of life.

On top of this, I believe that receiving is in the asking. We have merely to ask and wheels go to work grinding, fires start to churn, whistles start to blow and our dreams begin to take on reality.

And, so, I dream this; my perfect imperfection into existance

I realize that every moment of my life has led me to this moment; here and now. All of the times that seem like tragic mistakes or futile attempts are actually perfectly placed stones on my path; each of them serving the purpose of propelling me forward to ‘now.’ Perfection.

Now that I am here...what is the next step? Now that I am aware...what will I do next? Now that I realize my perfect imperfection...what’s next? The perfect moment is now.

I am open to the guideposts that will direct me to the next stone on my path. Meditation, focus, awareness and detachment will be the tools I use to expose my choices. I will continue to move forward like the fool on the cliff’s edge; unaware of the peril, and yet comfortable in the knowledge that everything is perfect.

It’s a Wonderful Life

2008-02-05T11:47:00.001-05:00

I’ve been thinking about running away. Maybe join the circus. They’d probably not have me because I can’t fly on the trapeze, ride a unicycle or even juggle. But it’s fun to think about. Boredom gets the best of me and I dream of selling everything I own, buying a VW van and just trekking around the country working here and there and then moving on. I reckon I’m a vagabond at heart.

Seriously, I realize these are just conflicting experiences between my personality and my soul. I understand that my soul knows a higher purpose and/or calling but that my personality is attached to the life I’m living. I struggle to bring the two together in some semblance of a life without seeming completely schizophrenic, or at the least unbalanced.

In my efforts to reconcile my longing for this freedom I hiccup through conventional life; existing in comfort and ease for only a short time before the longing hooks me again and I feel torn. I wonder is this isn’t some cosmic message that I really should exist in a less conventional lifestyle. Am I really doing the ‘thing’ that I am meant to be doing? What exactly is this life I’m in and would anyone miss me if I just ran away?

“It’s a Wonderful Life” – right?

Rationally, I realize that everything is absolutely perfect and just as it should be. I am fulfilling my purpose and we’re all connected…yada, yada. I realize that every single little thing I’ve ever done in my life has led me to this moment; this life; this place. I can look back over the experiences of my life and see the patterns that I followed to get here. I can see the labyrinth of my life and know the pathways I’ve taken. I recognize the lives I’ve touched because I was in the right place at the right time and I see how my life was touched by others for the same random reason. Circumstances that lead us through life are always easy to see when we look back at them.

What are the circumstances of my life NOW that are leading me forward? Perhaps this longing to run away is really an alarm that my life is stagnant and I’m not creating the circumstances that need to be here for me to move forward. Is it possible that I have to put my self in the right places and the right times? Doesn’t that negate serendipity and circumstance? Doesn’t that turn it all into one bug scheme?

Then I start to hear the voice of fear in my head that tells me change is not good and that I should stick with what I know out of fear of failure or rejection. I don’t like that voice and want to kick her ass. I’d like to chain her to the radiator and leave her behind.

And maybe this is all just an exercise in discovering my own desires and what paths I should be choosing.

Wandering and Wondering

2008-02-04T11:40:00.000-05:00

What a weekend!

Friday I went to The Duck again to see my friends. Nothing new or exciting to report; just a good night with old friends.

Saturday was a full day. I went to a Charity Rubber Duck Race event on Saturday morning for Kids in Distress. Ya’ buy a rubber ducky, and then there’s a “race” down a petitioned section of the Intracoastal Waterway. The event was in a great little park right in downtown Ft Lauderdale. A large group of friends met there and we had a great lunch in one of the local restaurants and got back to the event just in time to see the duck drop. Then we wandered over to another restaurant, had some snacks and a few beers.

Saturday night I went with my housemate, J, and a friend of his to see a band called Wean play at a place called Revolution. J swears that I’ve seen them before – at the same venue too. But, I have absolutely no recollection of that and think he might be going crazy. Or I am. Who knows? I wonder sometimes.

Anyway, this band drew quite an eclectic crowd of fans and we ended up in a little corner next to the railings overlooking the sunken dance floor with the bar just a few steps away. We were packed in tight and in those situations ya’ gotta make friends quick. I was standing next to a tall man with long dreadlocks that he’d tied up in a dread bun. His energy was warm and friendly and we started chatting. He was there with his wife who was a HUGE Wean fan and she was standing just about two people in front oh him where she had a great view. It was neat to watch them interact; him passing a cigarette to her after he lit it; her passing a bottle of water back to him. At one point, at her request, he passed her some cash and she wiggled her way toward the bar we were near. He reached through the two or three people between them and tapped her shoulder and asked her to get him a bottle of water. In all the noise, she didn’t understand so he repeated himself. She still didn’t look like she understood so he said, “Forget about it – I’ll get it” and waved her off. Within minutes she was handing him a cold bottle of water. I loved the look on their faces when he realized that she had understood and that she was just playing with him. It was very sweet.

I stood next to him for the entire concert and I think we were the only two people who constantly stepped aside so folks could pass. We were near the entrance to the dance floor and it’s typical in that venue for people to walk around a lot during the show. I was so impressed by the gentle and generous relationship between this man and his wife. The way they looked for each other in the crowd both making sure that the other is OK touched me and reminded me that there is love everywhere and in every thing.

In the end, I gave him my card. I just don’t meet people that interesting and warm that often and figured “what the heck” maybe we can make new friends. In retrospect, I worry that he might think I was hitting on him and/or that his wife thinks the same thing. Is that just a part of my conditioning to think that people who are coupled can’t make friends of the opposite sex, or is that something that is a real concern among couples? I would think that in today’s world where everyone is working and make contacts and connections that are unique to whatever it is they’re doing, that it wouldn’t be that big of a deal if your partner met some one interesting and they became friends. It seems rather provincial to think that it would be a problem and even naïve to think that it doesn’t happen. It brings me back to the thought that in a ‘couple’ the individuals are no longer individual. I wonder if it’s possible to be in a couple “partnership” but still exist, maintain, and encourage individualism.

I wander in wonder.

Ha!

2008-01-28T17:24:00.000-05:00

In a misguided effort to expand my mind, I stayed home all weekend. I went out Saturday and Sunday only to go to the gym and then come home. Oh the irony. I wonder how much expansion happened. I’m thinking very little.

Coming Into Self

2008-01-17T12:44:00.001-05:00

In this part of my life, there’s a certain amount of ‘coming of age,’ or what I’d rather call ‘coming into self,’ that I’ve been doing and it dawned on me today that I’m unsure of what that means.

I remember changing when I got into my 30’s and how different that was from my 20’s. I was more mature, gaining more and more self-confidence, more aware of what I wanted in my life and more willing to let what I didn’t want fall to the side. Compromise became something that was a conscious choice rather than an obligation. Now, on the verge of 40, it all seems to be even more intense; solidifying or soaking in more deeply.

Embracing the self is not as easy as it sounds. Seems simple enough, but it entails not only embracing all that I love about me, but also embracing all that ignites internal struggle. While there seems to be plenty of what I want to call the classic female concerns that seem to be mostly dictated by what society instructs, there is also this element of assuredness and confidence, as well as a hefty dose of ‘I don’t give a crap.’ And I’m mildly plagued with a sense of craving to do something to better my world, or to at least leave it better than I found it. I suppose what I’m experiencing is normal human psychological development and the therapists might tell me to go out and volunteer so that I feel like I’m contributing in some way. Heh, that’s not exactly my cup o’tea.

The word that keeps coming to mind is balance. Balance in all things; health, love, recreations, relationships, work….etc. So I wonder about achieving this balance, and I can see that it may be easy in some ways and extremely challenging in others. Of course, as the body ages there develops a need for a little more ‘balance’ in some things. Is it just a matter of focus, then?

In the end, there has to be some way to truly celebrate me without seeming to be flipping off into the shallow end of the pool. I don’t want to become the crotchety, uncompromising, angry woman. I really don’t think I have to worry about that. But the trick is to come into my ‘self’ without becoming something I’ve never been.

More Fish

2008-01-16T17:13:00.000-05:00

Ever notice that when you’re not fishing, there are all these fish swimming around just below the surface? Once ya’ drop the hook in, though, they scatter like leaves in a windstorm. And they’re not necessarily fish you want, but they’re there, and you can see ‘em, so ya’ drop in the hook just to see if maybe the view through the water is distorted and there might really be one worth catching. Ah, well, maybe it’s the bait. Or is it the pond?

Bald Man in a Lexus

2008-01-12T10:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel my obliviousness to the world around me is a good thing because it allows me a certain level of confident innocence. In my unawareness of what the world expects of me, I end up doing only what I expect of me; what I think I should be doing not what the world thinks I should be doing. Most of the time, this is a good thing. Living up to other people's expectations isn't always what's best.

I go about doing my thing and finding myself quite tickled with me most of the time. This is my happiness; my bliss. Then along comes some one who wants to bring me “back to reality” according to what their reality is. Suddenly, I’m smacked in the face with the perceptions of others and their “should-ing” all over me. Do this; do that….etc. Or, even worse, some one decides to shatter the little glass house I’m living in and expose me unnecessarily to the realities of LIFE. Eeek - I'm getting a LIFEburn. I need a high SPF to protect me.

OKOKOKOK….I get it.

I am not completely out of touch with the real world. I’m just sayin’ my world is the one I’m building ad it’s not like any one else’s. Right? Isn’t that the case for everyone? Of course, many times, these brief interruptions to my blissful existence are welcomed. It’s good to be brought into other people’s awareness and to share the mutual moments with them. This is life happening, after all, and life does not exist in a vacuum.

In this life, there are few second chances. There are numerous options and choices and all the decisions we make lead us along the path we’re on whether we realize it or not. I’m giggling along my path of bliss and even though from the outside it may seem frivolous and silly, I’m digging a lot deeper than it seems.

Sometimes I feel like a aging bald man in a Lexus; cruising along just knowing I’m *the shit* and not realizing exactly how silly I look with my shiny head and old-man face. Not caring at all, either. Because, dammit, this is Mine. Vrrmm. Vrrrmmmm……

I Love my Married People Friends

2008-01-10T14:05:00.000-05:00

I’m going to take a moment to praise my married friends. In all honestly, I admire that they’ve found a match and that they’re happy. It’s not easy being a couple and managing two different lives as they meld into one and as they grow as humans at different paces. Becoming a couple and having children is an amazing gift and I don’t want anyone to think that I think less of people who live that life path.

And, as far as I’m concerned; going out with the coupled friends that I have is loads of fun. All of my Married People friends know how to have a good time with the best of them! They’re dynamic, fantastic, interesting, intelligent, motivated, caring, generous individuals who are a joy to be around. They really are my family and I don’t know what I’d do without them.

Being married/coupled is not easy and it doesn’t make anyone less of an individual. It takes a massive inner strength to partner up with someone and to make a lifetime commitment; never mind adding the challenge of children to the mix.

So, here’s to you; my Married People friends. Ya’ll rock!

Beyond Dating

2008-01-07T09:42:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was the same as the last, and the one before that, and the one before that. The only difference was the venue. I’m totally bored lately. Tired of going out. Tired of staying in. (There’s a song in that somewhere; I just can’t think of the rest of it.) I’m ready for an adventure of some sort; something different. I’m ready for LIFE. And, I’m ready to start doing more things on my own; celebrating my singleness. Sometimes I just have more fun with me. I think I’ll plan a trip down to Shark Valley this weekend and have a bike ride through the Everglades. I almost did it yesterday but the clouds made me think it would rain so I opted out.

There’s this site (singleedition.com), that I rather enjoyed exploring. To quote the site, “For singles who know there's life beyond dating, SingleEdition.com offers a lifestyle destination that embraces the culture of single living.” I’m still checking it out and trying to figure out what it’s all about, but so far I like the feel. There’s a welcoming aspect to it that recognizes that being single is not a death whish, nor is it un-natural. I like being single, and it is frustrating that everything for single folks “out there” focuses on creating a couple rather than enjoying the freedom of being single. This site holds a lot of promise and I’m looking forward to continuing to explore.

It would be nice if there were more ways to have fun as single people without feeling the pressure of meeting some one or hooking up or finding your soul mate. I’m happy to be single almost all the time. Unfortunately, it seems the entire world is focused on propagating the race by making sure that every person who is single can find a match and then start breeding. (That’s another topic that I’ll save for another post.)

So, while my boredom is frustrating, it is also motivating me to do just DO MORE for me. It’s fertilizing my independence. I’m digging it. There IS a life beyond dating and I’m going to live it!

Duck Friday

2008-01-04T13:51:00.000-05:00

Another weekend is upon me. What to do, what to do, what to do?

Tonight, a girl-friend and I are going to The Duck to see friends in a local band do their regular Friday-night gig. It’s totally awesome to catch up with them, and I haven’t hung with my girl-friend in a while. We need to catch up. She’s my age and single as well; we’re in the same boat really. She’s looking to hire the band for a charity event she’s organizing. But, that’s just really a good excuse to have to go see them.

The Duck is a fun little place – totally locals and totally raucous. It’s just my kind of place. And when Scott and Peter get their groove on and the place starts jumpin’…well….let’s just say it’s a slammin’ good time! It’s one of those places where it OK to dance on the bar. I just dig it there. The beer’s cold, the service is fast, and the music’s loud. Wahoo!

Last time I went some older fella was hitting on me. I think he was old enough to be my father; at least an uncle. Nice guy, but wow – too old for me. I’m the kind of person that will talk to anyone about nearly anything so we had an interesting conversation about the hat I was wearing and his hat collection. LOL - at one point I was sure he was going to ask me if I wanted to come over and see his collection. I was alone and it was good to have a chatting partner even if he was cramping my style just a little.

I’m not afraid to go out alone; not one bit. I generally have a great time when I go out solo. I meet more new people that way. It’s cool. I don’t feel weird about it at all. Honestly, I enjoy my own company and my own thoughts. I get to move through the experience at my own pace and that’s always a good thing. Sometimes it’s boring, though.

Maybe after we leave there I’ll meet up with another group of friends – The Married People – at another place where another great local band is jamming.

This could be one heckuva weekend.

Lonely?

2008-01-02T13:41:00.000-05:00

Um no. I'm not. Thanks for asking, though.

A note to all;

Single does not equate with lonely.
Single does not mean that I'm desparate.
Single does not equate with easy.

I'm free; perhaps more free than I've ever been. I'm married to myself and in the throws of a great love affair with me. I have no attachments and can do what I want, when I want. And guess what? I do.

So, in case you were wondering; no, I'm not a lonley housewife.

I'm not the wife of a memeber, I am a member.

2008-01-02T13:39:00.000-05:00

Another party yesterday and another group of mostly married folks. It was a “work party” and I asked a male friend to join me but he was still recovering from New Year’s Eve’s raucousness. So I went stag. Tons of co-workers and their significant others and the bowl games on the tele. The food was great and the cocktails were, of course, wonderful. And, I got a dose of kudos from the Big Boss and from some other folks. My ego was feeling pretty good when I left.

The whole thing makes me wonder though, about parties and other events. The real reason I wanted to bring a guy along was so he’d break a little of the ice with the mostly-male-manager crowd that I knew would be there & to make me safe in the eyes of the wives & girlfriends. How else am I going to bond with the managers? I don’t relate to their wives well because I have no children etc… nuthin’ to talk about, ya’ know? And if I watch the football games – which I love to do – and talk sports the wives might get jealous. It’s all about forming the bond, right? Jealous wives are not conducive to bond-forming.

I found myself talking about shoes and clothes and food with the wives at this party and feeling relegated to the “wife’s” level; completely uninvolved in the business. When that dawned on me, I politely excused myself from the women and planted myself firmly in front of one of the TVs and started cheering for the Illinois Fighting Illini.

So, I’m still left wondering about this whole work thing how become a member of the “boy’s club” without damaging potential work relationships because of the wives of the boys in the club. Men’ll bring their wives to these functions and all the wives go off and talk about wifey stuff. It’s classic and I don’t knock it. If I were a “wife” I’d probably be doing the same thing. I’m not a wife, though.

I guess the best way to navigate these situations is exactly what I ended up doing; bond a little with the women and then go hang with the men. At least in this particular situation, that seemed to work out OK. I guess I’ll find out sooner or later.

New Year's Eve with the Married People

2007-12-31T13:13:00.000-05:00

So, it's New Year's Eve.

A group of friends; yes the married ones, invited me to dinner at a restaurant not far from home. Another invitation came from my housemate to go to South Beach for a Brazillian Beach party with a group of his yoga & Budokan friends. You know; the party where veryone wears white and walks into the ocean. Because I'm not in the mood to drive that far, and because I'm not really interested in having to 'be nice' and make new friends & do the whole socializing thing, I'm going with the Married People for dinner.

I wanted to stay local.
I didn't want to have to drive.

Those were my priorities and it seems they're both met by hanging with the Married People.

I'm sure I'll have a good time. They're a good bunch of people.

Friday Night Piercing

2007-12-29T09:17:00.000-05:00

I went last night with a friend to get her nose pierced and then for dinner and drinks. She's 34. Did I mention that my friends keep getting younger and younger? Anyway, I really wanted to watch and see what it was like. I spent a little time piercing ears back in the 80's at one of the boutique shops in the mall. I was curious.

Man oh man - it was fast. Bunky - the Master Piercer (that's what is says on his card - I swear) was quick as lightning. So much so that my friend harldy flinched. Nothing like the kids that I used to pierce; waa, waa, waa.... Binky's piercing skills were so good that I didn't see a thing. He was that fast. "Just a little pin prick..... there'll be no more Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh."

So Bunky was an interesting character. A mohawk and tattoo'd head do not equate arse apparently. He was polite and professional. What more could ya ask for in a Master Piercer? Later, after we gave our waitress one of his cards, we were asked if he was cute. I said yes, in a tatted up, pierced kind of way. My friend disagreed. I guess with age come some concessions about what is cute and what is not. He was sexy in that rough and tumble way. Kind of scary sexy.

I don't think I'll ever have my nose pireced, though. Ouch.

Forty? Really???

2007-12-28T13:44:00.000-05:00

I get that a lot. You know; the, "You're not really 40, are you?" question. Yup. I'm 40. Well...techinacally speaking, I'm 39 untilmy birthday in 2008, but I might as wellbe 40. saying it over and over again is helping me cope.

See, I don't really know what 40 is supposed to be. At 40, my mother had already raised 4 children, been married 3 times, lived all over the country, graduated nursing school, retired, taken up cross-country truck dirving, retrired again, been widowed, and finally settled in to a quiet life at home taking care of te "old ladies" in the neighborhood. That is 'so' not me.

No kids. None. And I'm not planning on having any. Of course, at my age, why would I?

I've only just settled into a job that I think I can build a career in.

All my friends are married and either have children, are will in the next year or so.

So, what am I to do with myself; a 40 year old, single woman?

My friends are getting younger and younger. They're the only ones who still want to go out and stay out late. They're the only ones that want to go out on a Saturday night around 11 pm, rather than at 8. I can't go out at 8. Are you kidding? That's waaaaaaay too early.

At the end of it all, I'm trying to figure out what the hell 40 is going to be all about.